Photo of the Week

Bean turns 2 years old!

Bean turns 2 years old!

Written by John in: Photos | Tags: , ,

Everyone gets older, I act the same age

There are those moments in life when time reveals itself and you suddenly feel its passing.  Usually time only causes minor ripples evoking comments like “seems like time is flying by” or “could this day last any longer”, but occasionally time becomes more of a crisis and evokes more than just idioms.  For me these time crises come on birthdays.

This weekend was my birthday, so the usually flurry of emotions involving time passing arose: have I done enough with my life, where am I headed, damn I’m old, etc.  This weekend in particular was crisis worthy due to a wedding of high school friends – that are younger than myself.  It was an amazing wedding for two people who are truly in love and I wish Amanda and Dan luck even though I don’t think they need it.

Amanda and Dan with Josh presiding

Amanda and Dan with Josh presiding

Among my friends I am probably ahead of the curve when it comes to analyzing if your success is on track with your age, but when compared to my minds eye, I’m behind.  I have a steady job, but I’m not on the fast track, I have a fantastic girlfriend, but I’m not married, and I haven’t lived in a foreign country.  Some of these could be deemed positives depending on circumstance, but since I’m grading myself on what a young John would have thought, I’m failing.

Now the real question, do I care that I’m failing?  Ironically…no.  I worry myself on these days and then I move on.  Over and over again I was asked when Meaghan and I plan on tying the knot, but I don’t have a good answer for them.  I tell them that we’re not concerned about getting married, which then prompts them to ask why that is and I give some bull about neither of us having a high opinion of marriage, but the truth is I have no idea why.  I just know that both of us are happy and don’t want to rock the boat.

In talking with Dan on the night before his wedding I articulated the response in a new way that encompasses the feeling correctly.  I enjoy waking up and knowing that the person beside me is there without obligation and without contract.  That person could leave at any time but doesn’t because this is exactly where they want to be.  At this moment in my life that’s exactly what I want – to be wanted.  There will be time down the road to choose security over self-esteem.

This road may not be what young John had envisioned, but when I go to sleep, it’s calm and peaceful sleep.  If my parents are concerned that I’m a 27 years old without a college degree, unmarried, and without children then too bad, because I learned it from my dad.  He always told me “you can grow older, but you don’t have to mature” and I was always taught to say yes sir, yes ma’am, and mind your parents.

Written by John in: Ramble | Tags: , , ,

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